Writing prompt: Quickly list five things you’d like to change in your life. Now, write a post about a day in your life once all five have been crossed off your to-do list.
Five things? I only have two on my list. One is to have a reduced working time, and two is to cease self-loathing.
I keep on wishing the day just come when, like other employees, I’d be on an 8am-5pm in-out schedule. That’s what my contract says. In reality though, I have to work on extended hours. I clock out at 11pm, 12mn, 1am, 2am, the worst was 6am. Then back to the office at 8am. I couldn’t just leave, though, because requesting and working there with me are five top bosses. I’m usually fine with the weight of my tasks, but I wish I had more time for me…more time to breathe…more time to read books…more time to write…more time to do the things that keeps me sane. It’s not a joke writing business proposals when I am tailored for journalism. It’s embittering staying in the office when I have home just thirty minutes away. It’s hard focusing with work when I think about the two minors at home who are there just by themselves and who are, almost always, waiting for me in the receiving room. People, I think, find it easy to let me go so I don’t understand why work love chasing me…to extreme exhaustion.
Sometimes, stealing my attention from the world is the thought that I am so detestable. I’m so bad at this, so bad at that, so lacking of this and of that, too much of this and that. My rule in life is to always find beauty in things, I don’t know why the exemption to the rule had to be me.
I try to imagine life without having to nearly live in the office and without the burden of a pessimistic self-view. And whenever I do, I can’t help but think that it’s the secret formula to the happiness I hope to have.
The best thing about crossing these two things off my list is that it will last for more than just a day. I’d have years – I hope – of devouring books I wanted to read for so long, I will have enough time to find an avenue to let all these unspoken thoughts out, I will be at ease with the company of no one else but me. The question is, will I ever make this possible?